Mr. Cellophane

In the musical Chicago the husband of the murderess-on-trial sings a song called "Mr. Cellophane", the man that everybody looks through but never sees. A cellophane man, whom everyone looks right through as if he wasn't there. As a mature "Aspy", I appreciate the sentiment.

When you run your own business, you've got to be rather blunt with yourself about your up and down sides vis a vis the business at hand. Mine is a people business, where the clients MUST be able to relax with me to allow me to do that which I so definitely can do for them but only if allowed to by that client at that moment. It's a "permission" thing. To show your heart and soul to a stranger is difficult for most of us at any time. But as a portrait photographer ... I'm not only a "stranger" to the clients at a first session, I'm pointing a camera at them while asking them to show me their heart!
 
The portrait biz is based on three things: 1) the technical knowledge of your medium (camera, brush, whatever ...), 2) the knowledge of art concepts that have been deeply absorbed into the back-waters of your brain, and 3) the ability to get the right, most appropriate and most fascinating expression/pose from your client in that narrow moment that your abilities in parts one and two above have created. One and two must simply flow from the artist as nearly as possible without conscious effort, in order to allow both the artist and subject to concentrate on three.

The third one flows from the relationship in that moment between the subject and the artist, and the willingness of the subject to bare their heart and soul. "Permission to look deeply into the soul", as it's been called so many times by so many people ... that's an incredibly personal thing to ask of someone. It calls for an amazing level of trust. It's not easy for anyone to do. It even has taken a lot of work for me to trust another photographer, no matter how well I know them. I appreciate the ... hesitation ... concern ... fears ... of any client.

And as someone on that Aspergers/Autism "spectrum", it can be difficult for me to achieve that level of trust with someone who doesn't know me well. Yet I've managed it so many times, with wondrous images as the result. And there have been many times that I've been able to create worthwhile images that the client does enjoy, but based on my mastery of parts one and two above, and the agility with which I've learned to work around the occasional difficulties with part three.

After all, I am a professional at this, not an amateur. I will get at least several darn good images. Period.

But Aspy/NT rules do apply. I know, that for my friends with (for example) boats ... when they think up who they want to spend a day with out on their boat, I'm not gonna be on the top of the list. Not because they don't like to be around me in other circumstances ... but ... I'm just not gonna be the one they think of for light casual fun. And, even when I've done amazing portraits with a client, they won't automatically think of wanting to use my services for their next portrait need either.

It's not because my friends or clients dislike me, or don't appreciate my skills and abilities. The problem is not negative personal connotations. It's not even a conscious choice on their part. It's in the nature of my being Aspy and their being N/T. That odd intermingling of brain capabilities and natures between N/T's and Aspys.

I'm good enough at my relations with most Neuro-typicals (N/T's, or "normal" people) that I've managed to become a "neutral" presence emotionally. Neither warm-fuzzy nor rasty nasty. It's taken years of hard work, but at least, far fewer find me the mildly irritant presence than used to do so.

But as a "neutral" presence, I'm neither on the list of folks they really really want to spend time with or the list of people they want to avoid. I'm not going to make any list at all with most people. Essentially, it's like Amos (heart-breakingly played by John C. Reilly in the movie) singing about being Mr. Cellophane.

I've been "in the biz" for nearing 40 years now. Time was, a photographer sold his/her value based on their experience, demonstration of photographic excellence through both images and professional awards, and the surety of running a solid, reliable business. That's not this time. Years of experience are not of interest to most potential clients. "Everybody" seems to be able to have pretty pics on their website, whether or not they can do that repeatedly or without needing  500 "shots" per client to get two or three decent ones. And realistically, "good enough" is a LOT lower bar than it used to be.

And as to experience ... do you realize how few people actually think about whether a portrait photographer even KNOWS how to run a business these days? That is certainly not a "decisionable" factor for most potential clients.

In these days, in this time ... it's all about how people feel about the photographer. Or, if they've not worked with her/him before, how they think they'll feel about working with him/her based on websites, social media, and comments by others that may have some experience with that photographer ... or may simply have looked at a website once. Of a different photographer.

For an Aspy portraitist, it's a really, really difficult time to make a living. When you're good enough in personal relations with most N/T's to become a neutral presence (rather than an irritant) you're doing well as an Aspy, yet you've disappeared as a person. Quite an interesting challenge to overcome.

Cellophane,  Mister ... Cellophane ...

The lives of the created ...

Somehow, our creations often have lives of their own. Authors talk of this when they talk shop, how they fight with their characters time and time again. I think most of the time, the characters have the best interest of the story in mind, but that is not always apparent to the author, and so can be amazingly irritating. Fighting with characters who only live in your own mind, think about that ... just who do they think they are, anyway?

Of course, not all characters in stories play nice with their authors. In fact, I've wondered if that isn't the reason some characters get such spectacular endings to their personal tale! Still, I think it oft unwise to take your creator's angst out upon a poor character ... or, for a photographer, to forget to "finish" an image that just didn't quite somehow make it up to what we thought we saw at the moment of creation.

I had such a moment yesterday, when an image I'd originally created several months back just ... stopped me. I hadn't been thinking or stewing over it, and it was from a session with many standout images. There was no reason to even think about that image any more. Still, there was something about the image that gave me a feeling when going through that session looking for other images, that I'd not ... finished it right, somehow. It needed work. It could be so much more, it could be something if only I completed it.

And now, I have. What was there in this image was what was there all along, what somehow I think my eyes and brain could see from the moment I captured it. My mind apparently couldn't grasp the essential part because of attention to what were, in the end, extraneous details.

When I finally eliminated the non-essential and therefore extraneous details, a clear and interesting image appeared with an obvious "treatment" that it needed. And though it is wonderful to see it now, completed and at rest, I feel very silly I couldn't see this all along.

The block of stone needed to have the extraneous stone removed to become the statue it could be. The writer needed to find why her characters were unhappy. And I needed to find the essential elements of that image. In all three examples, there is a certain ... something, I'll call it life ... native to the created. And the creator needs to be attuned to what his creations ask of him in order to achieve the completed work.

Even a creator is wise not to dictate! I am grateful for having found the needs of that image. It is one of my favorites right now. And I am also grateful that, unlike for the author of written stories, my images don't actually argue with me inside my own head!

It's a Beautiful Day

It really is a beautiful day outside, today. Sunny with some fleecy clouds, temperatures in the upper 50's (f.), with only a slight breeze. The next couple days are supposed to get cloudy and colder with a possibility of snow! Changes can occur so fast this time of year.

The one constant thread in my "thinking" life is that I must learn faster. There is so much I need to learn well enough to use to advance my career as an artist and teacher. There are so many unanswered questions every where I turn for information. There is great discourse as to the programs and habits I need to learn!

Still, I love finding new things and place and people to grow by. This has become my current addiction. Not, overall, a bad thing, perhaps?

I keep trying!

Yes, I keep trying to figure out and apply all the newfangled widgets, and I think I'm actually getting someplace. As in linking this blog to my facebook personal and artist pages so that it automatically appears there. And I need to link facebook to my other blog here and my blog on MyPhotoMentor.com also.

I'm think I'm supposed to be twittering for MPM right now, and after I finish writing this I'll check the schedule laid out for me. If so, I'll have my first go at twittering. It is fascinating to learn how to communicate with these tools as a way of learning and of growing.

Still, it seems that my life in the "Wilderness of Ethereal Boundlessness" (better know by it's acronym, the "web")is still a bit ... disconnected ... from itself at times. I look forward to learning how to integrate all this more smoothly than I do now. And through all this, I work at keeping focused on my life as an artist and teacher/mentor, besides husband/father/woodcutter extraordinaire.

And speaking of woodcutting, if this cold I've got lets up a bit I'll probably be back out with the chainsaw in the morning. I've still got several acres of lawn covered with the massive limbs and brushwood that fell during the ice-storm back in December. I do enjoy my time working on the property, it is almost a meditative act for me. Maybe I'll do a bit of pruning on another fruit tree too. There are always options, aren't there?

The Age of Now

In all the years I've been a professional artist, I've never spent so much time in front of a computer as I do now. Is this trend going to continue on a continually expanding basis? If so, in another couple months, I'll have to sleep while working the computer!

And yet, this is the way we keep in touch with our fellow humans today. Blogs. Twitter. Facebook. Text and multi-media messages through cell phones. Email. Does your RSS feed your twitter off your facebook? or is it the other way around?

To give some personal satisfaction, I've been taking voice lessons and have a competition coming up that I'll sing in. The Oregon National Association of Teachers of Singing Classical Auditions. The organization of course is normally known by its acronym, NATS. And the rules and entry forms are all on the website, download the appropriate pdf file.

Ah, but the singing is still live, person to person. It's thrilling and terrifying and a steep learning curve and I love it. But even there, there are some intriguing differences from what you would think.

The singing you learn to do by feel rather than sound, as you work through how it sounds with an "external" set of ears, your teacher. And as all performance singing involves presenting the meaning of the text, it is acting. And what is a major key in learning to act, to involve the emotions of those who watch? You go internal, into a sort of la-la-land you create around the story of the text, and make the audience disappear from your head!

So, the singing is done by feel, and the emotive acting is done by shutting out all external physical sensors, including awareness of the audience you are trying to move. And professional artists spend most of their time communicating through computers.

Nothing is as it seems, I think!