Special Damnations

Unless I've got a special reason ... either desperate need to be part of a decision or that rarest of gifts, an NT who actually groks me and has learned to trust what my brain can do ... I need to behave as a highly sanitized caricature of an NT. That's simply a fact of life for anyone on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum who wants to be accepted into polite conversations with most of the people of the world. And most importantly, my highest, best capability needs to stay completely buried. My greatest gift is actually, in NT company, my biggest damnation.

My main Aspy "gift" is that my brain has the natural ability to store billions of data-bits, many for years ... and then seemingly "immediately" connect several of them with things I've just heard, read, or seen to come up with a new thought or insight. It's called analysis, of course, but I can do it to an extent that is well past most people. And I do mean well past most people.

 As both John Elder Robison and Temple Grandin point out, many of us (though not all) that live on the "Spectrum" have special ... abilities. Call them talents, gifts, whatever. Between perhaps greater simple brain ability (in specialized areas) and the ability to focus both tighter and longer than Neuro-Typical or "NT" people, we can take thoughts and ideas farther and faster than our normal peers. But it is that very ability to go farther and faster ... often blindingly faster ... that we tend to be seen as pariahs or (benevolently) ... simply "weird".

Openly displaying or using such un-seeable talents  is not acceptable within NT universe, unless they've already given you some sort of accredited "degree" for such a thing. Ok, a physics professor (fully "Doctorated" and tenured) can go on about physics, sure. But outside that, you've got to explain to them how your brain works and they've got to be able understand the explanation, so that they can actually decide to pay attention to you. If you can't accomplish both in 20 words or less, save your breath and their patience and goodwill. And that is the rub ... we use language so differently that the chances of my being able to achieve both parts of the previous sentence (with the average NT) are the same as the proverbial snowflake's chance of surviving in Hell.

One needs to be trusted first to qualify as an acceptable "expert", and as my brain works (and I appear) ... weird ... I ain't NEVER gonna get that trust.  I will not be able to make my unique capability understood, nor therefore will what I say be trusted. And so using my analytical capability ... even in the most restricted and totally OBVIOUS simple little way (to me) ... makes everything else  I say untrustworthy, of suspicious origin, and ... unbelievable. And going back to the way I cannot see, "read", and naturally respond to and with the little physical things that NT's do in "normal" conversation, it simply is hard proof to so many people that I'm generally not trustworthy. Not made of good, solid intellectual or character material. Pleasant enough perhaps to be around ... but never trustworthy.

 Oh yes, I see the wall all the time. Though the NT's around me don't, I do ... it's ... there. Those expressions follow me everywhere I go. The lack of trust, the complete inability to take me or my words seriously (no matter how politely folks may appear) are always, ever there.

To the few NT's who have learned enough of me to give me that trust, to listen to me, and to value my abilities ... you mean the world to me! But of the thousands of NT's I've been around and worked with in my 59 years, that would be ... oh, I think we're maybe up to double digits. That's not double-digits "currently" ... that's double digits over the entire 59 years.

Well, "they" do say it's lonely at the top, don't they?

The Invisible Wall

In the Star Trek "multiverse", there's a material called "transparent aluminum". It's a metallic substance used as sheets to build things ... and it's as transparent as good-quality glass. Strength per  thickness of material a little above steel, weight far below, and of course ... transparent. So it's used for things like spaceship view-ports and "windows" and panoramic windows on space stations. Even (in ST-IV, "The Voyage Home") used to make an aquarium on a Klingon "Bird of Prey" starship to time-transport full-sized humpback whales to the future, in easily the funniest ST-Multiverse movie. (Look up "multiverse" if you need to ... )

I'm very familiar with the stuff ... "transparent aluminum", that is. It surrounds me. It's always there. It's that brain hard-wiring that I as an Aspy (Asperger's person) have that separates me forever from the ways "normals" (in physcho-speak, "Neuro-Typicals") think, speak, and react to others around them. Even, really, from most other Aspy's too. I "touch" (and therefore see) that wall so very clearly, having ALWAYS been on the outside of things. And over the last few years, having learned what (and a lot of why) those differences are, I even know the nature of the wall. And why it is permanent.

 Those on the other side don't see the wall at all. It's very transparency (from their side) convinces them that it doesn't, that it cannot exist. To them, it's not that there is a wall: I just don't behave as they expect, I say things they aren't expecting, or that are simply incomprehensible. The attitude and the belief on the other side of the wall is that there's no "real" differences between us, the problem is that I just don't behave like I "should". It's my ... fault? I need to just behave "more appropriately". I don't know how many times I've been told "We ALL have to learn how to behave ... you're no different, just watch and learn! You're plenty bright enough to do this ... everybody does!" The sometimes unspoken (but always present) thought is "unless you're a stupid insensitive dolt like you".

My most well-meaning friends and family have constantly told me the above, normally without rancor. And um ... others ... have told me the above with great malice aforethought. I appreciate the polite concerns expressed by friends, but in the end ... the communication is the same. But my brain is different, so the conclusion that so many "NT's" insist on, that I could learn to be like them, is fallacious. Not that it helps me at all ... going around telling people they are believing and acting on a fallacious premise is not the way to win friends and influence people. If there's a 'way out', I haven't found it yet. Neither attempting to correct the NT's appreciation of my differences nor simply allowing them to think ill of me has any positive effect. Except in rare instances.

So I remind myself that the ignorance here is not mine ... it's their's. Their hard-wiring "sees" things and inter-relates them in ways mine doesn't. In ways mine cannot. No matter how hard I try. I can work (and have) at understanding the many and constantly-varying patterns of NT  conversations. Theoretically. But lacking the hard-wiring to even notice so many of the small but vitally important signs they pass back and forth, I can't participate as an NT in a real-live conversation. I can't "pass".

But there's a lot more of them than of "us".  And really, most other Aspy's drive me nuts just the way we all do to NT's.  So it's their world, and it's "them" I want desperately to get along with. To be friends with. To communicate with. To have real, deep friends with, and to feel like somehow, someway, I belong in the wider world as a recognized, real, and valuable person.

But as an Aspy in an NT world, the best I can do is to try and be less "obvious", less "obnoxious", less "self-centered" ... less me. And as I cannot possible predict how different NT's are going to react to anything I say, the most assured way to be less Aspy is just to be quiet. To say very little. I fail at this all quite a bit of the time. And when I do, there's always the signs of failure ... the grimaces, the side-ways glances, the closed or rolled eyes, so many things that are so obvious even I can see them, that I've screwed up again. Ah yes, just hammered into The Wall again ... and it hurts every time.

Many of my Aspy/Spectrum peers are to a larger extent than I unaware of the reactions of NT peers. They may notice them, but aren't necessarily noticing it as constantly as I do. And John Elder Robison, Temple Grandin, and many others have said they wouldn't trade their special abilities for being an NT anyway ... they so love their gifts they'll take them and the pain of separation from the rest of humanity. My "gift" so relies on my being accepted by others to be of any use that the very unacceptability of my Aspy-ness seems to keep me from using my gift for anything but a child's toy.

The very "dry" professions where I perhaps could have found "usefulness" hold no emotional attraction for me. It's a very odd thing ... I'm too tightly-focused brainy-dweebish for the general population, and too emotional for the encyclopedic life. That's me alright ... and at times I laugh, at times I cry ... and I hug my one still-at-home kid or my wonderful (but sigh ... very NT wife) wife and we always just go on. It's what humans do, all of us ...