Verbally Blind

Although it may seem that the last few posts are discussing mostly the problems I have being understood by others, it's really a completely equal two-way smashup. True, I can't get a lot of "content" through in any attempt at detailed discussion. But the corollary ... is that I miss SO much of the "intended" communications of those around me that they send to me. I just can't "grok" the meanings they want to get into my head anymore than they seem able to "grok" mine.

And it's dastardly ... bizarre. You see, it isn't that I (or most other high-functioning Aspergians) don't get, for example,  satiric or ironic comments ... because I and "we" ... use them and enjoy such things. I/we understand most jokes and forms of humor, and both respond to and employ these things in ways so close to the Neruro-Typical or "Enty" way of doing it that we tend to do pretty well (at least most of the time!) within these forms of the obviously different-from-dictionary word usage. These "altered meaning" practices tend to be pretty obviously ... altered. We're cool with that.

Where we Spectrumites fall on our faces is in the rather normal, mundane and "straight-forward" discussions that make up the majority of human interaction. The ones everyone is presumed able to understand. The "face value" comments and statements, that it turns out ... aren't nearly as "face value" as they supposedly are.

Or perhaps, that's really the problem ... for the Enty population,  face is valuable. It's nearly everything. Remember those paragraphs explaining how Enty's take all that sensorial data in along with the words? In their brains, it's all inter-connected and the words only "mean" what the totality of data says they mean. In our brains, out on our spectrum, it isn't. Oh, really ANGRY faces we see ... and really any "something" faces. We do see them. Though even then, as we note internally that the person is in whatever emotional state they are showing, we only see it as a side-detail to the conversation. The words are still the words, right?

No ... the words aren't just the words. They never ... or rarely ... are. And it's in the most subtle facial/vocal/breath/body/eye-corner details, in the more "bland" or straight-forward-seeming sentences and comments ... that those other details matter far more than the words. That those other details give the intended meaning to the words. So often completely at digression from a straight literal dictionary translation of the words stated, if done word-by-word.

I, and others on the spectrum, can neither "see" nor interpret those very important data bits any more than a blind person can tell you how many posters are stuck to the wall by just looking at the wall. In both cases, the wiring simply isn't there. Even knowing this is the process, there's no way I can guess either. I don't see (in literal reality) those subtle shifts at the corners of the eyes. And if I do see them, I've no way to understand how to interpret them, from the thousands of meanings they could have.

I'm damn near "verbally blind", as are most of my "ilk". And that's a right uncomfortable thing to be.

The lives of the created ...

Somehow, our creations often have lives of their own. Authors talk of this when they talk shop, how they fight with their characters time and time again. I think most of the time, the characters have the best interest of the story in mind, but that is not always apparent to the author, and so can be amazingly irritating. Fighting with characters who only live in your own mind, think about that ... just who do they think they are, anyway?

Of course, not all characters in stories play nice with their authors. In fact, I've wondered if that isn't the reason some characters get such spectacular endings to their personal tale! Still, I think it oft unwise to take your creator's angst out upon a poor character ... or, for a photographer, to forget to "finish" an image that just didn't quite somehow make it up to what we thought we saw at the moment of creation.

I had such a moment yesterday, when an image I'd originally created several months back just ... stopped me. I hadn't been thinking or stewing over it, and it was from a session with many standout images. There was no reason to even think about that image any more. Still, there was something about the image that gave me a feeling when going through that session looking for other images, that I'd not ... finished it right, somehow. It needed work. It could be so much more, it could be something if only I completed it.

And now, I have. What was there in this image was what was there all along, what somehow I think my eyes and brain could see from the moment I captured it. My mind apparently couldn't grasp the essential part because of attention to what were, in the end, extraneous details.

When I finally eliminated the non-essential and therefore extraneous details, a clear and interesting image appeared with an obvious "treatment" that it needed. And though it is wonderful to see it now, completed and at rest, I feel very silly I couldn't see this all along.

The block of stone needed to have the extraneous stone removed to become the statue it could be. The writer needed to find why her characters were unhappy. And I needed to find the essential elements of that image. In all three examples, there is a certain ... something, I'll call it life ... native to the created. And the creator needs to be attuned to what his creations ask of him in order to achieve the completed work.

Even a creator is wise not to dictate! I am grateful for having found the needs of that image. It is one of my favorites right now. And I am also grateful that, unlike for the author of written stories, my images don't actually argue with me inside my own head!