What is truly "me"?

After reading what I'd written yesterday about the growth and discovery of one's self as a 50-something, it seemed to me that I should have begun with how we are supposed to answer the basic question, what is "me". What do we find when we get there, and how do we know we've actually arrived at the right place?

I'll use the mechanism or process of learning to use my own vocal instrument. Learning to sing. I've got a marvelous teacher for re-creating the use of the vocal mechanism, as that is what she says she does. Note, this isn't re-creating the mechanism itself. Most of her students come to her expecting that, which she states right up front is an impossibility. And it is in this journey to find the proper use of the mechanism, how it really works when freed of all our expectations, controls, and fears, that we learn what our voice is.

She works from the knowledge that each individual vocal instrument has it's own inherent capabilities and possibilities, and cannot be at it's best until it is firmly grounded within it's own nature. It probably can do far more than it's owner has any clue. But before we can get a clue, we have to know what the basic voice really is.

We have all heard many other voices, and heard many comments over the years about what is "good" singing and how to do it, and we try (without often realizing it) to mimic what we like in other voices and claim it as our own sound. All of these things really lead to problems when we then try to sing as we think we should. As she puts it, the brain knows how the body works and how to make any sound it is capable of, but the mind, with all these preconceptions about what singing should sound and feel like, gets in the way.

There are several cognitive problems in how we think of and perceive our own voice. First, no matter how another voice sounds to us, it WILL NOT feel or sound (to the singer making that sound) like we think it would. So if we mimic the way it "should" sound to our own ears or "should" feel in our own body, we make a very different sound instead of what we intended to. You see, a well-produced voice, especially as the pitch rises, starts to sound thin to the singer making the sound. A good sound to hear isn't big and grand inside the singer, but OUTSIDE, and if you make it sound big "inside" yourself, it is a muffled, mushy, and less pleasant sound for anyone listening to you.

Second, even if we could copy the outward, "heard" sound of another voice, that choice in and of itself locks a great deal of the unique parts and capabilities of our own voice out of possibility. It's a choice to be smaller and lesser than we could be, not greater. And besides, if all we are is a copy of someone else, why not just play them on an iphone?

And the very important third problem: We don't have a choice as to what our instrument is. Period! Any more than we can choose to be eight foot tall or jump the Alps in a single bound. The first task, in learning to sing properly, is to find out what our own instrument naturally is as we develop the fullest capabilities of that particular instrument. And through that process, we learn the choices that can wisely be made to utilize that instrument in ways that we would find worthwhile, interesting, and rewarding. And that perhaps, we can become passionate about doing.

So the first part of the journey ... and a continual companion along the way ... is an examination of all the tensions and bobbles and kinks in how *I* sing at this moment. All the extraneous "fluff" that isn't actually necessary or useful for making a clean, naturally-"me" sound. Puzzle out the source for each and every bobble, and then imagine the replacement habit or thought that is the appropriate practice or thought for your voice. Then practice incorporating it as you lose the previous glitch.

Guaranteed, you will make what (to you) are the weirdest sounds you've ever made. It will seem to you to be the most gawdafful caterwauling you've ever done. And it will take time to come to grips with the new sounds as really "your" sound. Also guaranteed, you'll be sure NO ONE would ever want to hear this awful new muck you are producing as "singing".

The weirdest part of the whole thing? Most everyone around you will start telling you that your sound, your voice, is clearer, more open, and vastly more interesting than it ever has been. It's more "you" than you've ever been before to everyone around you. And ... your new voice can stand up and do tricks for you that your old voice could never even try. It becomes ... more ... fun ... and it leads you to places that will surprise but delight you.

And this is different from learning to really be yourself as a human ... how? It was quite a revelation to me to find that the most amazing and useful training on how to become a more complete and unique human was what I learned from my voice teacher!

Jackie Dickey, and hubbie and fellow trainer Kevin Skiles, thank you!

The Age of Now

In all the years I've been a professional artist, I've never spent so much time in front of a computer as I do now. Is this trend going to continue on a continually expanding basis? If so, in another couple months, I'll have to sleep while working the computer!

And yet, this is the way we keep in touch with our fellow humans today. Blogs. Twitter. Facebook. Text and multi-media messages through cell phones. Email. Does your RSS feed your twitter off your facebook? or is it the other way around?

To give some personal satisfaction, I've been taking voice lessons and have a competition coming up that I'll sing in. The Oregon National Association of Teachers of Singing Classical Auditions. The organization of course is normally known by its acronym, NATS. And the rules and entry forms are all on the website, download the appropriate pdf file.

Ah, but the singing is still live, person to person. It's thrilling and terrifying and a steep learning curve and I love it. But even there, there are some intriguing differences from what you would think.

The singing you learn to do by feel rather than sound, as you work through how it sounds with an "external" set of ears, your teacher. And as all performance singing involves presenting the meaning of the text, it is acting. And what is a major key in learning to act, to involve the emotions of those who watch? You go internal, into a sort of la-la-land you create around the story of the text, and make the audience disappear from your head!

So, the singing is done by feel, and the emotive acting is done by shutting out all external physical sensors, including awareness of the audience you are trying to move. And professional artists spend most of their time communicating through computers.

Nothing is as it seems, I think!