How do we become ourselves?

Apparently, a great deal of hitting our 50's is about becoming truly ourselves. Up until then, we are so busy with doing things and charging forward, we don't really stop to wonder what's next until then. Any kids that we've "lived" for, looked after, and built our lives around head off on their own ... and leave us with more time spent by and on ourselves. But even if we don't have children, we've still been doing the hard-charging thing. Somehow, we start to ponder this vacant space in our life of routines.

And then, this new thought starts lying around the corners of the mind: I'm not (somehow) who and what I have thought of myself as ... what's wrong with me or my life? Soon it is joined by thoughts about why the work we've felt so important isn't as far along or as important as we'd hoped it would be by now. Or even if it is, why it is suddenly lacking the call to drive our hearts anymore, as past accomplishments lose much of their importance. What has been important, judged by what we've spent our hearts and time on, steadily loses luster. The rules and expectations of others that we've accepted and lived by seem to make less sense.

The judgments that we've placed upon ourselves, for whatever reason, chafe and bind and seem to hurt our hearts and souls. How could we have lived this long and have done so little, become so ... little. We look at others and see substance, and inside and see emptiness.

It's all part of life, from all I can see it's almost a programming thing built in to human existence. And it is, in reality, wonderfully useful! It's how we finally come to grips with our own selves, and get to like and even ... enjoy being ourselves! Not that it is a fun process, mind you, but the end result is so worth the difficulties of the journey.

It's also a time for coming to grips with our parents, and even their parents. As I've talked of these things with others, it is interesting how many had wonderful grandparents who, they now realize, were a much nicer as a grandparent than as a parent. I think a necessary component of this part of our growth as an adult is to allow our ancestral family members to be human. Flawed. Vastly imperfect. And finally, at peace within our own hearts.

I've come to believe that if we cannot give our ancestral family their own separate places of peace, we cannot find any for our own selves. We cannot forgive our own hearts unless we can set aside the turmoils and troubles of those we have held dear, or perhaps, dearly needed to hold dear but couldn't no matter how hard we tried. Those whose own troubles have troubled us.

There may be things we seem to need to understand about our past and the past of our progenitors ... why is of course, such a large part of our concerns and thoughts. But as we walk along this path, at some point, we need to allow the flawed humans that shaped us their separate peace, laugh with their memories, cry a bit, and from and within it all learn to give our own foibles a place of peace.

And in that place of peace, we find ourselves. Really for the first time, not as we have thought and seemed and hoped and dreamed, but as we are. More potent than we have feared, not as shining as we had hoped, but still, a useful and interestingly very unique human of worth.

A new person, who finds life to be worth the passions needed to live it fully, "just because". Who knows how to laugh, more importantly, what to laugh about, and most importantly, finds their own life a delightful puzzle to solve by the simple and even naive pursuit of it.

It is strange, but that is really the part I think we need to re-acquire, naivety. Not out of inexperience, but from great experience. In fact, the best kind of naivety only comes from great experience! And in that naivety we gain joy, peace, and a rekindled passion for what really interests our hearts in the life of the world around us.

We learn to let go and live.