John Elder Robison has an
example of how differently we Spectrumites communicate from EnTy's, about our typical
lack of complex motives when we on the Spectrum speak. His example: If we tell
someone that the red dress they're wearing today makes them look fat (or if
we've learned some sophistication, "heavy") and the blue dress they
wore yesterday doesn't, it's simply a direct attempt to help them look their
best. We're only passing on useful information. They should go home and put the
blue dress back on.
There's no emotional content nor any other implication
intended within the comment. It is a purely factual communication. Direct,
simple, straightforward, and most importantly to us, useful for the other
person. The best kind of communication, right? They should even thank us for
it.
However, what most EnTy's will
"hear" is that we intentended
to insult them, and they will never ... ever ... believe otherwise. And worse,
they'll KNOW that any attempt by us to "explain" our silly excuse for
reasoning is just a show of how STUPID
we think they are (that we think they'd believe such crap!). Once they've taken
a comment 'wrong', there's no recovery possible, or at least, likely.
Mr. Robison's example is
straight-forward and in some ways comical, and I know many EnTy's will consider
it perhaps 'extreme'. My experience is similar to Mr. Robison's, but ... in real
life it goes ever so much farther than his example. Everything I say to an EnTy
is processed in the same way. Every instruction to an employee, every suggestion
in a meeting, every conversational comment to clients or friends ... it is all
processed this way by the other side, in a way which I can neither natively
understand, predict, nor accomplish on my own.
Even in this, as I'm trying to be precise in an attempt to communicate
clearly, I will probably fail with many (or probably most) of the people who
may ever read this LONG epistle. It will be all sorts of things
"wrong" but not the right things "right". Because I've
found, even in written language,
there's something different about the
way En-Ty's perceive my words that I can't ... fathom.
The few times I've had
"successes" at getting much meaning across have been only a partial success
... a few percent of the idea made it
across. It's been rare to actually get any complex idea absorbed in a way that
it is still useful to others in the way that I meant it, so that they acted on
it as I had envisioned. And as always, if I try to correct the perceptions of what I'd said, people get puzzled ... then they get ticked at me.
My communications successes
have mostly been in dire emergencies. It seems that the ONE time that EnTy's
shut down that predictive-meaning facility is in DIRE emergencies, when most
people's upper-brain functions shut down in general. Suddenly, they hear my
commands as simply and exactly the words I intend them to be, follow precisely
my bluntly stated commands, and ... we get through, with everyone amazed at how
strange it was that I could communicate so clearly and take command so easily.
But as soon as their brains relax, it's back to ... normal.
John Elder Robison and
Temple Grandin and others all say that with time and experience "we"
get better at getting along in EnTy society. We become functionally near enough
to "normal" as to be fine and enjoy life with and among EnTy's just dandy (or at least, close enough).
I've not found that the
case. Most people I'm around don't even realize I am on that spectrum. I'm not
such a display-case that it's obvious except to those with good experience in
these things. One would think that being (at least in appearance) closer to
"normal" than most of my true peers, I should have somewhat better
communication results. Or at least, some ability to improve the quality of my
communications with EnTy's to a sort-of comfortable state. Not so, at least, not with only 37 years of adult attempts.
The only way I've really
found to achieve a "comfortable" state in communications with EnTy's
is ... to stop almost all attempts to talk with EnTy's on anything past the
weather and how old their kids are. In any subject past that, there will be miss-communications
galore. At some point, I'll make what seems a simple straight-forward comment,
perhaps even just a hmmm of agreement, and the conversation hits a hard STOP as
they're standing there somehow completely puzzled by my response. And when I
realize it's happened again, if I try to correct the "miss", it makes
the personal interaction worse. So it's much easier (both socially and
emotionally) to try and fade into the woodwork, to become ... less. Less
obvious, less "there", and less ... me.
But that of course makes it
impossible for me to get anything done that matters to me. Life is created by
the doing of something worthwhile. For my business to take good care of my
family (and make some sort of non-peon retirement possible) I need to be able
to make things happen. And yet as I spin my mental wheels in all this analytical
mud, my brain racing around trying to find SOME way to get traction and move
forward somehow, all that this
excellent reasoning power of my brain shows me is that ... This Is The Way It Is. This Is Why It Is. And ... It ... just ... IS.
And so far, it seems there's no way to fix
it. Every communication of any length or depth I have with every Enty I meet
always leaves me aware I've ... surprised them somehow. That I didn't
communicate something that I'd expected, wanted, or needed to with them. That I've
left them wondering about some puzzling comment or pause or whatever. And it
leaves me feeling very isolated, singular, and separate.
No, I'm neither proud of nor
comfortable with being a Spectrumite. It's what I am, similar to being say
left-handed or long-bodied/short-legged. It just is. It is often a cause of
embarrassment and emotional hurts, both for myself and sadly (and to my shame) for others. But my
continual lack of ability to get traction burns.
I should be able to do better than this ... and I will always try.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment